• Please stop doing whatever it is you’re doing. [CDL]
• Sheryl Crow does the Today Show. [INMF]
• Salma Hayek takes Valentina out shopping. [DS]
• Jenny McCarthy looked hot at the premiere for Pineapple Express. [IDWYL]
• Alicia Silverstone, however, did not. [WIMB]
• Miley Cyrus versus Katy Perry continues. [YH]
• Sophie Monk finally found work. [RR]
• Larry Rudolph denied Britney Spears is dating her bodyguard. [TB]
• Kate Moss does Ibiza. [BST]
• Jimmy Kimmel takes on Exxon. [SOW]
• Dr Phil’s wife is dunzo. [PB]
• Pam Anderson would like to build an oil-free hotel in Abu Dhabi. [HMG]
• Jess from The Veronicas gets topless. [GH]
• The stars of High School Musical cheese it up for Elle. [FH]
• Verne Troyer sued his sex tape partner for assault. [DR]
• Jessica Simpson claimed Tony Romo “appreciates my talent.” [DH]
• Hulk Hogan said jail is making Nick Hogan “a better man.” [CS]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s twins will make their magazine debut on Sunday. [BB]
• Liv Tyler’s estranged husband auditioned for Velvet Revolver. [AIW]
• This weekend, I hit Dorchester and Quincy. [RF]

I try to keep up on my lesbian gossip, so I was shocked to learn that a) Heather Matarazzo is a lesbian, and b) she’s getting married to some broad. Unexpected, y/n?

Matarazzo, who found fame as a child star in cult kids film Welcome To The Dollhouse, announced her engagement to her long-term girlfriend Carolyn Murphy.

The pair proposed to each other in a dual ring-swapping ritual.

A representative for the star says, “It was really cute. First Heather proposed to Carolyn, then Carolyn proposed to her. They’ve been together for over a year, it was love at first sight.”

Come to Massachusetts to get married! I’ll even throw you dinner party at my place, and we’ll watch Hostel 2 and laugh at Bijou Phillips!

According the National Enquirer, Cher was forced to postpone her wedding to some dude named Tim Medvetz because her weirdo son has stomach issues. 32 year old musician Elijah Blue Allman started experiencing “strange symptoms” two years ago after a vacation in New Delhi, India.

“This should be the best time of Cher’s life. She is enjoying a love affair with daredevil adventurer Tim, and they plan to get married by the end of the year. But poor Elijah keeps playing on her mind.”

“At first he believed he got a bad case of food poisoning in India. As soon as he got back to Los Angeles, he began complaining of a constantly upset stomach and flu-like symptoms. Chronic fatigue, bowel problems, headaches and a host of intestinal troubles soon followed. “In the past two years, Elijah has had over 40 colonics, along with other holistic treatments. But that hasn’t helped either.” Elijah is now seeking treatment at specialist clinic Leonardis Klinik in Germany.

Elijah has dated a string of whorey broads, including Bijou Phillips, Kate Hudson, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, and Heather Graham. I’m not a doctor, but I would assume sticking your penis inside Bijou or Paris is a sure-fire recipe for health issues.

While husband Tom Cruise is left to deal with his $250 million Scientology lawsuit, Katie Holmes arrived in NYC this week to prepare for her upcoming Broadway role. Katie arrived ahead of schedule: she debut her role in “All My Sons” on September 18.

It will eventually become a family affair: Tom and daughter Suri will live with Katie in NYC for the duration of the sixteen week production.

Source

As you’re probably aware, this is a Boston-based blog, so today is a very sad day for me. After a long contract struggle, Red Sox management traded Manny Ramirez to the LA Dodgers in a three-way trade. The Sox agreed to pay out the rest of the left fielder’s $7 million contract, and sent him on his way, just as Manny wanted.

Although he was a complete pain in the ass, Manny was also an amazing hitter and one of the most fun players on the team, so I’m a little bummed about the trade. Some members of the Red Sox Nation rejoiced at the news, but I’m on the verge of tears. It was a great seven years, and I’ll miss seeing little kids around the neighborhood dressed as Manny for Halloween.

Sigh.

While city councilmen called for stricter laws against paparazzi, Los Angeles’ head cop asked everyone just to chill out. LAPD Chief William Bratton said there was no need to impose tighter laws against paparazzi, because Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian now, and Britney Spears wears pants. No, seriously: that’s what homeboy said.

“If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank god; and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don’t seem to have much of an issue,” Bratton told KNBC, L.A.’s local NBC affiliate.

He went on to offer similar sentiments to several other local outlets, calling the would-be crackdown on paparazzi a “farce,” and further claiming that interest in candid pics has already waned.

“If the ones that attract the paparazzi behave in the first place, like we expect of anybody, that solves about 90 percent of the problem. The rest we can deal with.”

I think Chief Bratton needs to put down Star Magazine for a bit and go fight some crime. Leave outting celebs to Perez, please.

Source

For reasons I don’t entirely understand, some publisher thought it appropriate to allow Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to create a coffeetable book. The 272-page book, Influence, will be filled with MK and Ashley’s nonsensical ramblings about their style influences.

Chapter One: “The Hobos on Skid Row.”

“Ashley and Mary-Kate take readers on a journey through their celebrated young lives, pausing to reflect on what has helped shape them into who they are today,” the book’s publisher said in a statement. “They interviewed 20 people and wrote brief essays about each other. In each interview, the girls explore what inspired the interviewee.”

Those interviewed include fashion designers Karl Lagerfeld, Diane Von Furstenburg, John Galliano and Christian Louboutin, as well as model-actress Lauren Hutton.

“We interviewed the people who have inspired us, with the hope that they will inspire and teach others,” Mary-Kate said. “We want to explain culturally how ideas evolve.”

Fascinating! I know you’ll be totes excited to look for the book in stores October 28.